Betrayal & Infidelity
I was driving down a Colorado highway and passed a horrific multi-car crash involving long-haul truckers. The wreckage went on for miles. I thought to myself, this is what discovery feels like…where do I begin?
The gut-wrenching pain calls into question your entire relationship as the bond of trust is shattered. Yet, within this tempest of pain, which seems to extend beyond the ordinary strains of human experience, lies an opportunity for profound personal growth and understanding. With this type of psychological abuse, which surpasses the customary or natural human experience, the mind’s attempt to process this trauma results in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Like PTSD, betrayal trauma manifests through symptoms that reflect those commonly associated with it, such as depression, anxiety, flashbacks, recurrent nightmares, and avoidance of reminders of the event. But beyond the immediate pain lies a call to explore the depths of your resilience and strength. The symptoms of unresolved trauma—whether they be muscle tension, tightness, IBS, anxiousness, depression, TMJ, irritability, fibromyalgia, headaches, restlessness and exhaustion—are not merely obstacles but signs, guiding you towards healing and self-discovery.
Where does one begin when faced with the heartache of betrayal by someone you held close, trusted deeply, and loved unconditionally?
Complex trauma
Betrayal trauma is complex trauma. Complex trauma, as explored by Michelle Mays, CSAT therapist and author of ‘The Betrayal Bind‘, brilliantly captures the complexities and nuances of betrayal trauma where she brings to light why betrayal trauma is different from other types of trauma in that it causes an Attachment Injury, Emotional and Psychological Injury, and Sexual Injury. It is not only complex but as Michelle notes, it’s a multidimensional trauma in that you don’t fully know your past, nor your present and there is no way of knowing that this will not happen again in the future.
While sex addicts face many serious challenges in their effort to get sober, they may actually feel relief that their sexual behaviors have been exposed. However, for partners who believed they were in a monogamous relationship, recovery might feel daunting. The revelation that they have been cheated on and lied to on such a vast scale may prompt them to wonder what, if anything, is true about that relationship, and they may begin to wonder if it’s possible to reestablish trust needed to repair the relationship and move forward in building a life together. Thus, it’s essential to recognize the incredible resilience and strength it takes to navigate such complex emotions.
This difficult period offers a unique opportunity to rebuild and strengthen trust, paving the way for a deeper, more connected partnership. Embrace this chance to grow together, forging a future that is more unified and supportive than before.
Recovery for partners
Healing is possible whether you choose to remain in or leave the relationship, but recovery takes time. The stages of the healing process are more than mere checkboxes to tick off, but milestones on a journey towards reclaiming your voice, trusting your instincts, and stepping into your power.
Key milestones include stabilizing trauma and developing a safety plan, confronting the truth, psychoeducation, learning to manage triggers, developing effective communication skills, navigating grief and loss, and achieving trauma resolution. These steps focus on gaining clarity about what you will accept and not accept in your life.
Building resilience, maintaining boundaries, and learning to trust your instincts are critical components in reclaiming your voice and stepping into your power. Without addressing the consequences of addiction, couples may remain stuck in a toxic cycle, hindering growth and transformation for both the partner and the recovering addict.
During our time together, we will provide expertise and gentle direction, helping you to work through a complex set of emotions, while providing the space to reflect on your needs every step of the way.
As you move through the healing process, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Along with individual therapy, group therapy can be extremely effective in helping with shame reduction by normalizing feelings and reactions, and by reminding you that others share similar experiences.
The supportive environment of Group Therapy offers a sanctuary for sharing, learning, and growing alongside others who understand your experience. This communal journey fosters a sense of belonging, reduces feelings of shame, and champions the courage to speak your truth.
What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. You never feel safe, you are always on full alert just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In your readiness, you’ve abandoned yourself.
Moving forward
Healing from betrayal trauma is a deeply personal and often nonlinear process. It requires time, patience, and the courage to face painful realities while holding onto the hope for a secure and fulfilling future. Through therapy, individuals can learn to navigate their emotions, rebuild their sense of self, and perhaps open themselves up to the possibility of trust and intimacy once again.
Betrayal trauma shatters the ground beneath our feet, but it also presents an opportunity for profound personal growth and transformation. The journey through this trauma is not just about surviving; it’s about learning to live in a new reality, equipped with a deeper understanding of oneself and a renewed aptitude for resilience and joy.