Codependence

Recovery from codependence is a lot like a growing up process – we must learn to do the things our dysfunctional parents did not teach us to do: appropriately esteem ourselves, set functional boundaries, be aware of and acknowledge our reality, take care of our adult needs and wants, and experience our reality moderately.

Pia Mellody
Author, Trauma Expert
Nationally Recognized Authority on Codependence

Embracing your worthiness

Those grappling with codependency often find themselves trapped in a painful cycle, where their self-worth hinges on external validation. Relying on outside forces to define your value can feel like navigating a rocky path, leaving you vulnerable to life’s inevitable challenges. Those who struggle with codependence, feel a deep sense of shame at their core of their existance. When someone feels shame-bound, it can be challenging to embrace a sense of empowerment.

Pia Mellody, a renowned leader in the field of codependence, describes this struggle as “other-esteem.” But if you find yourself nodding along to the questions below, we want you to know that hope and healing are within reach. You’re on the brink of a journey that can make space for more joy, love, creativity, and spontaneity in your life.

Do you avoid confrontation?
Sacrifice your own needs to please others?
Struggle to set boundaries and say no?
Feel shame over mistakes or strive for perfection?
Find yourself trying to rescue or fix people?
Accept verbal or physical abuse?
Crave validation from others to feel good about yourself?
Often feel like you're not good enough?

If these questions resonate with you, you may struggle with codependency, an emotional disorder where individuals prioritize others’ needs over their own, often at the expense of their well-being and values. This relentless focus on caretaking can lead to emotional repression and relationship trauma, resulting in low self-esteem.

Left unaddressed, codependency can drive individuals to cope through unhealthy means such as substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, or remaining in toxic relationships. Even seeking solace in food can unknowingly lead to the development of eating disorders.

But here’s the good news: You’re not alone, and you’re not destined to remain trapped in this cycle. With guidance and support, you can break free from the grip of codependency and cultivate a life filled with self-love, authenticity, and fulfillment. The journey toward healing begins with acknowledging your worth and taking that courageous first step towards a brighter, more empowered future.

Characteristics of Codependency

It’s important to note that human beings are wired for connection, and every individual falls somewhere along the continuum of codependence as part of the human experience.
However, a key distinction arises: when one lacks inherent worth, there’s an overdependence on outside factors, leading to a painful, emotional rollercoaster ride in life.

Perfection is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: if I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.

Brené Brown
Professor, Author & Researcher

origins of codependency

Research shows that codependency is rooted in deeply ingrained behavioral patterns often originating within family dynamics. Darlene Lancer explains that childhood experiences in dysfunctional families lead individuals to suppress their needs and emotions to care for others, fostering unhealthy reliance on external validation and control in adulthood. This intergenerational cycle of codependency stems from a lack of awareness and understanding of healthy boundaries and emotional needs within the family system.

As children, individuals may learn to prioritize the needs of others over their own, seeking validation and approval from external sources to define their sense of self-worth. These learned behaviors are often reinforced by caregivers who themselves struggle with codependent tendencies, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and emotional enmeshment. Pia Mellody refers to this as “Developmental Immaturity.”

Without intervention and conscious awareness, these patterns can persist into adulthood, leading individuals to struggle with establishing healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and self-validation. Recognizing the roots of codependency within the family system is a crucial step towards breaking free from its grasp and cultivating healthier, more authentic relationships with yourself and others.

Healing From codependency

Recognizing that a problem exists and being honest with yourself about the patterns and behaviors that indicate codependent tendencies marks an important first step on the path to recovery. Beyond this, the journey of healing involves a series of transformative steps. It encompasses embracing and understanding your emotions, as well as beginning to recognize and prioritize personal needs. Embracing imperfections with self-compassion and acceptance paves the way for genuine self-growth and healing. Importantly, distinguishing between caregiving and caretaking, and learning about healthy interdependence, encourages the growth of balanced and fulfilling relationships.

Trauma Resolution Work

In addition to talk therapy, because attachment wounds and childhood trauma are often held implicitly in the body, engaging in trauma therapy to achieve what is known as memory reconsolidation can lead to a greater sense of clarity and well-being.

Our Women's Empowerment Group

Humans are wired to be social beings, rather than healing in isolation. Group therapy provides a platform to take measured risks, engage in new patterns of relating, and experience emotional regulation through connection and co-regulation. This facilitates new brain imprinting and growth.